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Romulans Recruit STNG 1

 Star Trek: Generation Next

 

Episode- Romulans Recruit

EXT. voice over - DAY

CAPTAIN PICARD

Captain's Log, Stardate four three four five point two.

Docked at Starbase Twelve, the Enterprise has just completed supply replenishment. Soon we shall welcome a new person to our distinguished ship's crew.

INT. transporter room enterprise - DAY

Sfx- door open/close

Door wooshes open, and Commander Riker enters the Transporter Room.

Captain picard

Ah there you are Number One. A splendid day today.

Commander riker

Oh it is indeed sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

A new crewperson is arriving aboard the Enterprise you know. We shall greet him, then be off on a new mission.

ComMANDER RIKER

What will that mission be Captain?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Starfleet will inform us of our orders when we are underway. No doubt we shall encounter opportunities to learn about our wondrous galaxy and also undergo personal enrichment.

ComMANDER RIKER

I'm sure you're correct, Captain Picard.

 

By the way Captain, changing the subject to a personal matter, can I have a more conventional sounding designation, rather than "Number One"?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Please explain.

ComMANDER RIKER

Well people laugh when they hear my title. I mean really, Number One? Everyone immediately thinks, you know...

CAPTAIN PICARD

No, I don't know.

ComMANDER RIKER

'Number one', as in having to go.

CAPTAIN PICARD

To go?

ComMANDER RIKER

To go to the... you know, bathroom.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh dear.

ComMANDER RIKER

To urinate.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(cringes a little)

Good heavens! I'm sure no-one thinks about that.

 

Tis a venerable, traditional designation, and you have earned it.

ComMANDER RIKER

But it makes me seem like I always have to pee.

CAPTAIN PICARD

No no, not at all. No, you should be proud of your noble ranking.

 

Anyway, never mind that now. Here is our new crewperson.

Sfx- energize sound

(A new crewman, Lieutenant Niles, materializes on the transporter pad.)

Lt. NILES

Lieutenant Niles reporting for duty.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Greetings Lieutenant, and welcome aboard the Enterprise!

Lt. Niles

Thank you captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

And this is Number One.

ComMANDER RIKER

That's my Starfleet commander's designation. It doesn't mean I'm in charge of the lavatories.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Let's drop that unpleasant subject shall we. To the bridge now. On to new adventures!

INT. hallway enterprise - DAY

Sfx- walking down hall.

Picard and Niles walk down the hallway.

They encounter Worf.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Ah, here's Mister Worf, our chief of security.

 

Mister Worf, this is Lieutenant Niles.

Worf

Greetings.

LT. NILES

Hello Worf.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Niles. Niles. I knew a Niles when I was a young lad at Starfleet Academy. Unfortunately he was captured by Klingons. This was sometime ago, you understand, when they were our adversaries. He was put aboard a Klingon ship and was eventually driven mad by the unfortunate, uh, aroma.

 

No offense Mister Worf.

WORF

None taken.

CAPTAIN PICARD

                                                                       Anyway, at one point, poor deranged fellow, he tried to make love to the Klingon Empress Matildok.

WORF

Not a good idea.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Don't know what happened to him, but it probably was rather unpleasant.

WORF

I imagine so.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Niles Armbruster. That was his name.

LT. NILES

Niles is my last name. My first name is William.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Very well.

 

Anyway, let us proceed with our duties.

Sfx- transitional music

INT. bridge - DAY

Sfx- door open/close

Picard enters the bridge.

WORF

Captain on bridge.

CAPTAIN PICARD

As you were.

Sfx- yapping dog

Lt. NILES

Say Worf, why's there a yapping poodle here on the bridge?

WORF

                                                                        That's the captain's dog, Poopsie.

LT. NILES

A dog aboard the ship. Well I never.

WORF

Not my idea I can assure you.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Listen people...

Commander Riker

Listen up people. The captain has something to say.

 

Captain.

CaPTAIN PICARD

Thank you Number One.

 

Our orders are to patrol the Epsilon sector. We shall be first in the Federation to explore that region.

 

                                                                        Isn't it exciting Poopsie?

 

                                          (The dog yaps with enthusiasm)

Sfx- dog yap, yap

WORF

Let's hope Poosie doesn't get too exited. We all remember the unfortunate incident with the Vulcan ambassador's leg.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Yes yes. I apologized profusely to Ambassador Sarek you know. Now let us speak no more about that distressing occurrence.

 

Mister Data, lay in a course to the Epsilon sector.

DATA

Aye captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Make it so.

DATA

I shall make it, as you command, so.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Lt Niles, I want you to meet our positronic-powered comrade, Lieutenant-Commander Data.

Data

Greetings.

Lt. NILES

Hello. So you're the ship's robot.

CAPTAIN PICARD

No no, the correct term is biologically challenged androidal being.

Lt. NILES

My mistake.

DATA

                                                                       So Lieutenant, what motivated you to chose a career in Starfleet?

LT. NILES

Well I always thought it would be cool traveling around the galaxy in spaceships.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Starships. Starships.

LT. NILES

And did you ever notice that just about everyone in Starfleet is an officer? Seems like a pretty good deal.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(smiling proudly)

You will find that the Enterprise is the most splendid of ships, and ours is the finest crew in the fleet.

LT. NILES

Is that a fact.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Indeed it is.

 

Oh by the way Lieutenant Niles, did I tell you of our upcoming ship's play?

LT. NILES

No sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Hamlet by Mister William Shakespeare. I shall direct. I believe you'll find the production most enlightening.

 

Make a note if you will. By the way, attendance is mandatory.

ComMANDER RIKER

I'm sure your brilliant directorship will make the play another smashing success captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank you Number One.

DATA

Last year's play, Othello, was generally considered successful, despite a few variations from the standard text.

CAPTAIN PICARD

A few minor problems granted.

Lt. NILES

Oh?

DATA

Counsellor Troi, as Desdemona, was almost killed.

LT. NILES

What happened?

ComMANDER RIKER

                                                                       Worf was Othello.

WORF

I got a bit carried away with my part.

DATA

He almost strangled Troi to death.

WORF

(embarrassed)

Rrrrr.

Sfx- door open/close

(Counselor Troi walks through the lift doorway and enters the bridge)

ComMANDER RIKER

Here's Deanna now. We were just mentioning you.

Counselor troi

Really?

ComMANDER RIKER

Last year's Othello.

CoUNSELOR TROI

I'd rather not talk about it.

CaPTAIN PICARD

Deanna, this is our new officer, Lieutenant Niles.

CoUNSELOR TROI

Oh yes, glad to meet you.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Deanna Troi is our ship counselor. She is an empath.

WORF

(to Niles)

A mind reader.

LT. NILES

Oh.

Sfx- red alert signal

DATA

Giant cloud-like phenomenon approaching, Captain, at extraordinary speed.

Sfx- collision impact sound

(The crew on the bridge shake and sway)

DATA

Collision with a massive ion storm of unknown composition.

CAPTAIN PICARD

What in heaven's name is happening Data?

DATA

We appear to be thrown far off course.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Compensate.

DATA

Engines not responding.

Sfx- collision impact sounds

(Crew people are tossed about from the collision, some are thrown to the floor. They pick themselves up and return to their stations)

DATA

Our exact position is unknown, though we are incredibly far from where we were only moments ago.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Deary me.

DATA

Warp engines and sensors offline.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Damage report.

WORF

Many minor injuries, none serious.

 

                                                        (Riker suddenly notices Counselor Troi motionless on the floor)

ComMANDER RIKER

                                                                       Deanna! She appears to be unconscious.

LT. NILES

She may have hit her head in the collision.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(speaks to intercom)

Picard to Sickbay. Counselor Troi has been injured. Send a medical team to the bridge.

Sfx- transitional music

Exterior shot of the Enterprise in space.

ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mr. Data, can you give us an update on our condition?

DATA

Presently orbiting an unknown planet. Sensors slowly coming online.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank you my mechanical friend.

 

DATA

Warp engines however have received considerable damage.

 

CAPTAIN PICARD

(speaks to intercom)

Picard to Engineering.

Geordi

(voice from intercom)

Geordi here.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Affect repairs if you would, Mister Geordi.

GEORDI

(voice from intercom)

We'll have to decontaminate the warp coils, which will take some time. We've also got to work on repairing the warp engines.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Make it so.

GEORDI

(voice from intercom)

Will do, captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

What can you tell us about the planet below us Mister Data?

DATA

Scans reveal no cities or technology. Apparently there are no advanced life forms present.

CAPTAIN PICARD

It seems we have some time on our hands. We shall gather an away team and beam down to investigate this planet.

ComMANDER RIKER

Do you think we will we be in any danger sir?

DATA

No threats have yet been detected.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Excellent.

 

Mister Data, Number One, Mister Worf, and Lieutenant Niles assemble in the transporter room.

 

INT. HALLWAY

Sfx- walking down a hallway

(Captain Picard and Commander Riker walk together, then meet Worf and Niles)

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mister Worf, Lieutenant Niles.

WORF

Yes captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Doctor Beverly has just given us some good news. Counselor Troi's injuries are not serious, though she has for the moment lost her empathic abilities.

WORF

Any idea when she will regain her...powers?

ComMANDER RIKER

Unknown, but the doctor is sure Deanna will be her normal self fairly soon.

WORF

(not pleased)

Mmmm.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Say gentlemen, an absolutely marvelous idea just occurred to me. Let's take the opportunity to try out our Hamlet uniforms.

ComMANDER RIKER

A superior proposal captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I'm setting Hamlet in the sixteenth century. The costumes are of the nobility of that time period.

WORF

Is it necessary to wear costumes on an away mission sir?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh I believe so Mr. Worf. We can make sure the clothes fit. They need to be functional and ready to wear for opening night of the play.

 

Number One, go tell Mister Data to change uniform. The rest of us will change, then we'll meet in the transporter room.

Sfx- Captain and Number One walk away and leave the area.

WORF

Rrrrr.

LT. NILES

What's the matter Worf, not a fan of the costumes?

WORF

They are...colorful. Not my cup of tea.

LT. NILES

By the way, what do you think about Counselor Troi losing her mind reading ability?

WORF

Quite frankly I'm relieved. I always feel uncomfortable around Counselor Troi, with her mind probes.

LT. NILES

I imagine it wouldn't be easy to be on a ship with someone who has ESP.

WORF

Voyeurism if you ask me.

LT. NILES

Difficult to have privacy.

WORF

Exactly. I don't wish her any ill will of course, still I can't say I'm sorry to hear she is unable to read our minds.

EXT. planet surface - DAY

Sfx- transition music

CAPTAIN PICARD

Captain's log: supplemental. Beaming down with an away team to do some exploring. Frankly, also an excellent opportunity to try out our Hamlet costumes.

Sfx- energize

(The crew personal materialize on the planet. They all wear colorful puffy shirts and baggy pantaloons. They carry medieval pikes and halberds as weapons. Everyone but Worf wears big hats with long feathers stuck in them.)

CAPTAIN PICARD

Well here we are. A new planet to behold. Isn't it wonderful.

ComMANDER RIKER

It certainly is sir.

WORF

I must say I feel uncomfortable in this medieval garb.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Nonsense. You look as resplendent as an Italian renaissance nobleman.

WORF

Lucky me.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Come along now, Mister Worf. Put your cap on as well.

WORF

Do I have to wear the large floppy hat?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Of course Worf. The wonderful colors- orange, yellow.

WORF

                                    (Worf still unpleased. He reluctantly puts on the hat)

                                                                       Rrrrr.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(smiles with satisfaction)

I must say everyone looks simply splendid. To be honest I enjoy these uniforms even more than our Starfleet ones.

 

LT. NILES

The puffy shirt and baggy pantaloons will take some getting used to.

CAPTAIN PICARD

What say you my clockwork chum? Do enjoy wearing these uniforms?

Data

I have no emotional feelings on the matter. However the aesthetic nature of the clothing is...intriguing.

ComMANDER RIKER

I must say captain, the large feather in your hat is most distinguished.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(Picard smiles)

Thank you Number One. As a director of a stage play, I take great pride in helping to choose the costumes you know. The credit for the original design however must go to Michelangelo.

WORF

(looking at tricorder)

Captain! Scanner shows four alien life forms approaching. And sir- they're armed with phaser type weapons.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh dear. This is a dilly of a pickle.

 

Quick. Let's hide behind those rocks.

 

                       (The Enterprise crew personnel quickly dash behind a large rock formation. Riker peeks at the approaching aliens.)

ComMANDER RIKER

(hushed)

                                                                        They're Romulans!

LT. NILES

Buggering heck!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mind your language Lieutenant.

 

Number One and Mister Data, you remain here and discretely observe these Romulan chaps. The rest of us must immediately return to the Enterprise. A Romulan ship might be orbiting this planet.

LT. NILES

Bugger.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Language.

 

                                          Sfx- transition music

INT. enterprise bridge - DAY

CAPTAIN PICARD

Anything yet Mister Worf?

WORF

Nothing on scanners.

 

Wait- a ship approaching.

A Romulan Bird of Prey!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Is the Bird of Prey preparing to fire on us?

WORF

No Captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

How extraordinarily odd. Romulans are known to be hostile to us. Always looking for a fight.

WORF

The ship has come to a halt.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Hold position. We must handle this delicately. We don't want to start an intergalactic war, do we.

WORF

(to self)

I do.

Sfx- door open/shut

The turbolift door opens, and Riker and Data stride onto the bridge.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Data, Number One, you're back. What happened on the planet?

ComMANDER RIKER

We were apprehended by the Romulans but managed to escape.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Merciful heavens. But how?

ComMANDER RIKER

They wanted to find out more about us, our anatomical structure. With the use of, uh, that is to say...well frankly it's somewhat embarrassing.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mister Data, did you find the situation embarrassing?

DATA

No sir. I do not experience embarrassment. The Romulans attempted to acquire their knowledge by what is commonly called an anal probe.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh dear.

DATA

That method of humanoid anatomical probing is used by numerous alien races. The Grays of Alpha Four, the Bergons of Cygnus X One, the-

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank you Data, I get the picture.

DATA

Anyway the Romulans must have thought I was a human. They proceeded to place the device rather vigorously into my posterior region.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh no.

DATA

Oh yes. However my positron drive shorted out their probe and caused it to explode. This momentarily blinded and confused the Romulan party.

ComMANDER RIKER

It was then we made our getaway.

WORF

The Romulans are probably hopping mad by now. We can expect a fight.

CAPTAIN PICARD

And yet the strange thing is they are just sitting there. Not even powering up their weapons.

ComMANDER RIKER

Very strange Captain. The Romulans are reputed to be ruthless and quick to anger.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh most ruthless indeed.

Sfx- door open/shut

(Turbolift doors open, Niles enters the bridge)

LT. NILES

Captain, I've been finding strange pamphlets all over the Enterprise-

CAPTAIN PICARD

We're quite busy here at the moment.

 

Mister Worf, you go with Lieutenant Niles and deal with the matter.

WORF

Aye Captain.

(Worf and Niles quickly move to lift and leave the bridge)

Sfx- door open/shut

 

ENTERPRISE HALLWAY

Sfx- Walking down hall

Worf and Niles walk in the corridor.

WORF

What's all this about mysterious pamphlets?

LT. NILES

I'm finding them everywhere. They seem to be suddenly arriving from out of thin air.

Look, there are some lying on the floor.

 

I'll grab a couple.

 

                                           (Niles bends down and takes the papers.)

WORF

Let me see.

(Worf reads from papers.)

WORF

"Get rich quick! Energetic, disloyal individuals wanted. Work for the Romulan Empire and get reward points now!"

 

They're recruiting traitors!

We must confiscate all of these flyers.

 

LT. NILES

There are some more by the turbolift.

Hey what the-

 

                                            (Lieutenant O'Reilly stands, pointing a phaser at Worf and Niles)

O'reilly

Hands up both of you.

WORF

Lieutenant O'Reilly. How dare you point a phaser at me!

O'REILLY

Shut up ya Klingon goon. I'm working for the Romulans now. When I beam over to their ship with you two as my prisoners, I'll be handsomely rewarded.

LT. NILES

                                                                       How could you betray us to those militaristic wierdos?

O'REILLY

The Romulans offer much in return.

LT. NILES

Like what?

O'REILLY

They beamed over the brochure describing the prizes. Two prisoners will get me my own personal sports spacecraft. It's warp capable, and the captain's chair has two cupholders.

LT. NILES

Isn't that wonderful.

O'REILLY

You have your choice of color: candy apple red or champagne metallic.

LT. NILES

What did you choose?

O'REILLY

Candy apple red.

WORF

Stupid choice.

O'REILLY

Shut up!

LT. NILES

You can't trust the Romulans to give you any of that stuff.

O'REILLY

Sure I can. Better than boring Starfleet stuff.

Anyway I'm sick of Federation communism.

WORF

Communism?

O'REILLY

Yeah, all this free education and universal health care. Free? Universal? I mean, that's socialism.

LT. NILES

Oh Lord.

 

(Data walks into the area, behind O'Reilly)

 

(Niles speaks with exaggerated emotion)

 

Data! Thank goodness you've arrived to save us! Disarm the evil Lieutenant O'Reilly who holds us hostage at phaser point!

O'REILLY

You don't think I'm stupid enough to fall for a phoney ploy like that do ya. I'm not going to turn around and look over my shoulder.

(Mimics)

'Save us! Disarm the evil Lieutenant O'Reilly!'

 

Ha! Get real.

Data grabs O'Reilley's arm.

 

Owww! What the-

DATA

I shall not kill the Lieutenant, but I will disarm him.

 

(O'Reilly drops the phaser)

LT. NILES

Great work Data.

 

ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

Sfx- door open/close

(Worf, Data, and Niles escort O'Reilley onto the bridge)

ComMANDER RIKER

What's going on here?

LT. NILES

Captain Picard, Commander Riker. We've captured a traitor.

CAPTAIN PICARD

No no, that's not possible. No one on the Enterprise would possibly turn traitor.

WORF

We caught Lieutenant O'Reilly red-handed.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Is this true Data?

DATA

It is true captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh, fiddlesticks.

ComMANDER RIKER

How dare you betray your ship! And your captain!

O'REILLY

Oh be quiet Urinator.

ComMANDER RIKER

See! See, I told you Captain. I get no respect being designated Number One. No respect.

CAPTAIN PICARD

A subject for another time I think.

ComMANDER RIKER

It makes me sound like I'm chief of taking a leak.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Language Number One. Mind your language.

 

Mister Worf, take the prisoner away to the brig.

WORF

Aye Captain.

(Worf takes O'Reilly by the arm and leads him off the bridge)

Sfx- door

CAPTAIN PICARD

I shall make a strong protest to the Romulans. Sending over propaganda leaflets and trying to recruit traitors aboard the Enterprise. Inappropriate behavior indeed.

 

Mister Data, open a communications channel.

DATA

Open sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Captain of Romulan vessel, I object most strongly to your illegal, and I must say dishonorable, interference in my ship's affairs.

 

                                              (The captain of the Romulan ship appears on the main screen)

Romulan

We've done nothing to interfere.

CAPTAIN PICARD

We have confiscated your recruiting brochures.

ROMULAN

I don't know what you're talking about.

CaPTAIN stuart

We also caught a turncoat redhanded, doing your dirty work.

ROMULAN

Oh that.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Yes indeed "that". Shameful I must say.

Nevertheless I would rather settle the matter peacefully.

ROMULAN

I am captain of a Bird of Prey battlecruiser. I don't do peaceful.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Still I believe we could sit down together and negotiate. In fact I'm directing a rather captivating production of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Mister Romulan, I wonder if you would be interested in attending-

ROMULAN

Silence enemy!

CAPTAIN PICARD

You haven't seen my Hamlet have you? If I say so myself, it's most enlightening-

ROMULAN

Shut up you boring old fool!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh how rude. Did you hear that Number One?

ComMANDER RIKER

I did indeed. Uncalled for, Captain.

WORF

I suggest we leave the area immediately.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Romulan captain, now see hear my good man. There's no reason to be discourteous. I really think you-

ROMULAN

Federation ship! Prepare to be destroyed!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Data, return to Federation space. Maximum warp. Make it so.

(Pause. Nothing happens.)

 

Mr. Data, I have commanded 'make it so'. Wherefore art thou not making it so?

DATA

Engines not responding sir. Still contaminated.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(to intercom)

Captain to Engineering. Geordy I've got to have warp drive now!

WORF

Romulan Bird of Prey powering up weapons!

Sfx weapon hits

(Romulan weapon fire hits Enterprise)

WORF

Direct hits. Our shields are holding. But not for long.

DATA

Engines online captain!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Maximum warp! Engage!

Sfx- transitional music

ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

CAPTAIN PICARD

Well my friends, we escaped horrible danger to live yet another day.

ComMANDER RIKER

Indeed Captain, due to your leadership of course.

CAPTAIN PICARD

And the treasonous fellow Lieutenant O'Reilly is safely locked away in the brig. But let us not dwell on that displeasing incident.

ComMANDER RIKER

My thoughts exactly sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

We must now accomplish our original orders to patrol the Epsilon sector.

 

Data, resume our previous course.

DATA

Aye captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Away!

DATA

'Away', sir?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Yes, I thought I would try something new. 'Away' instead of 'Engage'.

DATA

I see.

ComMANDER RIKER

Brilliant idea if I may say so Captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

To the Epsilon sector, Mr. Data.

Make it so.

DATA

Now that I understand.

Picard laughs with good nature.

All join in with good natured laughter.



(Theme Music)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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