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Romulans Recruit STNG 1
By J Theissen
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Star Trek: Generation Next
Episode- Romulans Recruit
EXT. voice over - DAY
CAPTAIN PICARD
Captain's Log, Stardate four three four five point two.
Docked at Starbase Twelve, the Enterprise has just completed supply replenishment. Soon we shall welcome a new person to our distinguished ship's crew.
INT. transporter room enterprise - DAY
Sfx- door open/close
Door wooshes open, and Commander Riker enters the Transporter Room.
Captain picard
Ah there you are Number One. A splendid day today.
Commander riker
Oh it is indeed sir.
CAPTAIN PICARD
A new crewperson is arriving aboard the Enterprise you know. We shall greet him, then be off on a new mission.
ComMANDER RIKER
What will that mission be Captain?
CAPTAIN PICARD
Starfleet will inform us of our orders when we are underway. No doubt we shall encounter opportunities to learn about our wondrous galaxy and also undergo personal enrichment.
ComMANDER RIKER
I'm sure you're correct, Captain Picard.
By the way Captain, changing the subject to a personal matter, can I have a more conventional sounding designation, rather than "Number One"?
CAPTAIN PICARD
Please explain.
ComMANDER RIKER
Well people laugh when they hear my title. I mean really, Number One? Everyone immediately thinks, you know...
CAPTAIN PICARD
No, I don't know.
ComMANDER RIKER
'Number one', as in having to go.
CAPTAIN PICARD
To go?
ComMANDER RIKER
To go to the... you know, bathroom.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh dear.
ComMANDER RIKER
To urinate.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(cringes a little)
Good heavens! I'm sure no-one thinks about that.
Tis a venerable, traditional designation, and you have earned it.
ComMANDER RIKER
But it makes me seem like I always have to pee.
CAPTAIN PICARD
No no, not at all. No, you should be proud of your noble ranking.
Anyway, never mind that now. Here is our new crewperson.
Sfx- energize sound
(A new crewman, Lieutenant Niles, materializes on the transporter pad.)
Lt. NILES
Lieutenant Niles reporting for duty.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Greetings Lieutenant, and welcome aboard the Enterprise!
Lt. Niles
Thank you captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
And this is Number One.
ComMANDER RIKER
That's my Starfleet commander's designation. It doesn't mean I'm in charge of the lavatories.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Let's drop that unpleasant subject shall we. To the bridge now. On to new adventures!
INT. hallway enterprise - DAY
Sfx- walking down hall.
Picard and Niles walk down the hallway.
They encounter Worf.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Ah, here's Mister Worf, our chief of security.
Mister Worf, this is Lieutenant Niles.
Worf
Greetings.
LT. NILES
Hello Worf.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Niles. Niles. I knew a Niles when I was a young lad at Starfleet Academy. Unfortunately he was captured by Klingons. This was sometime ago, you understand, when they were our adversaries. He was put aboard a Klingon ship and was eventually driven mad by the unfortunate, uh, aroma.
No offense Mister Worf.
WORF
None taken.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Anyway, at one point, poor deranged fellow, he tried to make love to the Klingon Empress Matildok.
WORF
Not a good idea.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Don't know what happened to him, but it probably was rather unpleasant.
WORF
I imagine so.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Niles Armbruster. That was his name.
LT. NILES
Niles is my last name. My first name is William.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Very well.
Anyway, let us proceed with our duties.
Sfx- transitional music
INT. bridge - DAY
Sfx- door open/close
Picard enters the bridge.
WORF
Captain on bridge.
CAPTAIN PICARD
As you were.
Sfx- yapping dog
Lt. NILES
Say Worf, why's there a yapping poodle here on the bridge?
WORF
That's the captain's dog, Poopsie.
LT. NILES
A dog aboard the ship. Well I never.
WORF
Not my idea I can assure you.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Listen people...
Commander Riker
Listen up people. The captain has something to say.
Captain.
CaPTAIN PICARD
Thank you Number One.
Our orders are to patrol the Epsilon sector. We shall be first in the Federation to explore that region.
Isn't it exciting Poopsie?
(The dog yaps with enthusiasm)
Sfx- dog yap, yap
WORF
Let's hope Poosie doesn't get too exited. We all remember the unfortunate incident with the Vulcan ambassador's leg.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Yes yes. I apologized profusely to Ambassador Sarek you know. Now let us speak no more about that distressing occurrence.
Mister Data, lay in a course to the Epsilon sector.
DATA
Aye captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Make it so.
DATA
I shall make it, as you command, so.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Lt Niles, I want you to meet our positronic-powered comrade, Lieutenant-Commander Data.
Data
Greetings.
Lt. NILES
Hello. So you're the ship's robot.
CAPTAIN PICARD
No no, the correct term is biologically challenged androidal being.
Lt. NILES
My mistake.
DATA
So Lieutenant, what motivated you to chose a career in Starfleet?
LT. NILES
Well I always thought it would be cool traveling around the galaxy in spaceships.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Starships. Starships.
LT. NILES
And did you ever notice that just about everyone in Starfleet is an officer? Seems like a pretty good deal.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(smiling proudly)
You will find that the Enterprise is the most splendid of ships, and ours is the finest crew in the fleet.
LT. NILES
Is that a fact.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Indeed it is.
Oh by the way Lieutenant Niles, did I tell you of our upcoming ship's play?
LT. NILES
No sir.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Hamlet by Mister William Shakespeare. I shall direct. I believe you'll find the production most enlightening.
Make a note if you will. By the way, attendance is mandatory.
ComMANDER RIKER
I'm sure your brilliant directorship will make the play another smashing success captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Thank you Number One.
DATA
Last year's play, Othello, was generally considered successful, despite a few variations from the standard text.
CAPTAIN PICARD
A few minor problems granted.
Lt. NILES
Oh?
DATA
Counsellor Troi, as Desdemona, was almost killed.
LT. NILES
What happened?
ComMANDER RIKER
Worf was Othello.
WORF
I got a bit carried away with my part.
DATA
He almost strangled Troi to death.
WORF
(embarrassed)
Rrrrr.
Sfx- door open/close
(Counselor Troi walks through the lift doorway and enters the bridge)
ComMANDER RIKER
Here's Deanna now. We were just mentioning you.
Counselor troi
Really?
ComMANDER RIKER
Last year's Othello.
CoUNSELOR TROI
I'd rather not talk about it.
CaPTAIN PICARD
Deanna, this is our new officer, Lieutenant Niles.
CoUNSELOR TROI
Oh yes, glad to meet you.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Deanna Troi is our ship counselor. She is an empath.
WORF
(to Niles)
A mind reader.
LT. NILES
Oh.
Sfx- red alert signal
DATA
Giant cloud-like phenomenon approaching, Captain, at extraordinary speed.
Sfx- collision impact sound
(The crew on the bridge shake and sway)
DATA
Collision with a massive ion storm of unknown composition.
CAPTAIN PICARD
What in heaven's name is happening Data?
DATA
We appear to be thrown far off course.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Compensate.
DATA
Engines not responding.
Sfx- collision impact sounds
(Crew people are tossed about from the collision, some are thrown to the floor. They pick themselves up and return to their stations)
DATA
Our exact position is unknown, though we are incredibly far from where we were only moments ago.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Deary me.
DATA
Warp engines and sensors offline.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Damage report.
WORF
Many minor injuries, none serious.
(Riker suddenly notices Counselor Troi motionless on the floor)
ComMANDER RIKER
Deanna! She appears to be unconscious.
LT. NILES
She may have hit her head in the collision.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(speaks to intercom)
Picard to Sickbay. Counselor Troi has been injured. Send a medical team to the bridge.
Sfx- transitional music
Exterior shot of the Enterprise in space.
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
CAPTAIN PICARD
Mr. Data, can you give us an update on our condition?
DATA
Presently orbiting an unknown planet. Sensors slowly coming online.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Thank you my mechanical friend.
DATA
Warp engines however have received considerable damage.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(speaks to intercom)
Picard to Engineering.
Geordi
(voice from intercom)
Geordi here.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Affect repairs if you would, Mister Geordi.
GEORDI
(voice from intercom)
We'll have to decontaminate the warp coils, which will take some time. We've also got to work on repairing the warp engines.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Make it so.
GEORDI
(voice from intercom)
Will do, captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
What can you tell us about the planet below us Mister Data?
DATA
Scans reveal no cities or technology. Apparently there are no advanced life forms present.
CAPTAIN PICARD
It seems we have some time on our hands. We shall gather an away team and beam down to investigate this planet.
ComMANDER RIKER
Do you think we will we be in any danger sir?
DATA
No threats have yet been detected.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Excellent.
Mister Data, Number One, Mister Worf, and Lieutenant Niles assemble in the transporter room.
INT. HALLWAY
Sfx- walking down a hallway
(Captain Picard and Commander Riker walk together, then meet Worf and Niles)
CAPTAIN PICARD
Mister Worf, Lieutenant Niles.
WORF
Yes captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Doctor Beverly has just given us some good news. Counselor Troi's injuries are not serious, though she has for the moment lost her empathic abilities.
WORF
Any idea when she will regain her...powers?
ComMANDER RIKER
Unknown, but the doctor is sure Deanna will be her normal self fairly soon.
WORF
(not pleased)
Mmmm.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Say gentlemen, an absolutely marvelous idea just occurred to me. Let's take the opportunity to try out our Hamlet uniforms.
ComMANDER RIKER
A superior proposal captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
I'm setting Hamlet in the sixteenth century. The costumes are of the nobility of that time period.
WORF
Is it necessary to wear costumes on an away mission sir?
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh I believe so Mr. Worf. We can make sure the clothes fit. They need to be functional and ready to wear for opening night of the play.
Number One, go tell Mister Data to change uniform. The rest of us will change, then we'll meet in the transporter room.
Sfx- Captain and Number One walk away and leave the area.
WORF
Rrrrr.
LT. NILES
What's the matter Worf, not a fan of the costumes?
WORF
They are...colorful. Not my cup of tea.
LT. NILES
By the way, what do you think about Counselor Troi losing her mind reading ability?
WORF
Quite frankly I'm relieved. I always feel uncomfortable around Counselor Troi, with her mind probes.
LT. NILES
I imagine it wouldn't be easy to be on a ship with someone who has ESP.
WORF
Voyeurism if you ask me.
LT. NILES
Difficult to have privacy.
WORF
Exactly. I don't wish her any ill will of course, still I can't say I'm sorry to hear she is unable to read our minds.
EXT. planet surface - DAY
Sfx- transition music
CAPTAIN PICARD
Captain's log: supplemental. Beaming down with an away team to do some exploring. Frankly, also an excellent opportunity to try out our Hamlet costumes.
Sfx- energize
(The crew personal materialize on the planet. They all wear colorful puffy shirts and baggy pantaloons. They carry medieval pikes and halberds as weapons. Everyone but Worf wears big hats with long feathers stuck in them.)
CAPTAIN PICARD
Well here we are. A new planet to behold. Isn't it wonderful.
ComMANDER RIKER
It certainly is sir.
WORF
I must say I feel uncomfortable in this medieval garb.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Nonsense. You look as resplendent as an Italian renaissance nobleman.
WORF
Lucky me.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Come along now, Mister Worf. Put your cap on as well.
WORF
Do I have to wear the large floppy hat?
CAPTAIN PICARD
Of course Worf. The wonderful colors- orange, yellow.
WORF
(Worf still unpleased. He reluctantly puts on the hat)
Rrrrr.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(smiles with satisfaction)
I must say everyone looks simply splendid. To be honest I enjoy these uniforms even more than our Starfleet ones.
LT. NILES
The puffy shirt and baggy pantaloons will take some getting used to.
CAPTAIN PICARD
What say you my clockwork chum? Do enjoy wearing these uniforms?
Data
I have no emotional feelings on the matter. However the aesthetic nature of the clothing is...intriguing.
ComMANDER RIKER
I must say captain, the large feather in your hat is most distinguished.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(Picard smiles)
Thank you Number One. As a director of a stage play, I take great pride in helping to choose the costumes you know. The credit for the original design however must go to Michelangelo.
WORF
(looking at tricorder)
Captain! Scanner shows four alien life forms approaching. And sir- they're armed with phaser type weapons.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh dear. This is a dilly of a pickle.
Quick. Let's hide behind those rocks.
(The Enterprise crew personnel quickly dash behind a large rock formation. Riker peeks at the approaching aliens.)
ComMANDER RIKER
(hushed)
They're Romulans!
LT. NILES
Buggering heck!
CAPTAIN PICARD
Mind your language Lieutenant.
Number One and Mister Data, you remain here and discretely observe these Romulan chaps. The rest of us must immediately return to the Enterprise. A Romulan ship might be orbiting this planet.
LT. NILES
Bugger.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Language.
Sfx- transition music
INT. enterprise bridge - DAY
CAPTAIN PICARD
Anything yet Mister Worf?
WORF
Nothing on scanners.
Wait- a ship approaching.
A Romulan Bird of Prey!
CAPTAIN PICARD
Is the Bird of Prey preparing to fire on us?
WORF
No Captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
How extraordinarily odd. Romulans are known to be hostile to us. Always looking for a fight.
WORF
The ship has come to a halt.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Hold position. We must handle this delicately. We don't want to start an intergalactic war, do we.
WORF
(to self)
I do.
Sfx- door open/shut
The turbolift door opens, and Riker and Data stride onto the bridge.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Data, Number One, you're back. What happened on the planet?
ComMANDER RIKER
We were apprehended by the Romulans but managed to escape.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Merciful heavens. But how?
ComMANDER RIKER
They wanted to find out more about us, our anatomical structure. With the use of, uh, that is to say...well frankly it's somewhat embarrassing.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Mister Data, did you find the situation embarrassing?
DATA
No sir. I do not experience embarrassment. The Romulans attempted to acquire their knowledge by what is commonly called an anal probe.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh dear.
DATA
That method of humanoid anatomical probing is used by numerous alien races. The Grays of Alpha Four, the Bergons of Cygnus X One, the-
CAPTAIN PICARD
Thank you Data, I get the picture.
DATA
Anyway the Romulans must have thought I was a human. They proceeded to place the device rather vigorously into my posterior region.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh no.
DATA
Oh yes. However my positron drive shorted out their probe and caused it to explode. This momentarily blinded and confused the Romulan party.
ComMANDER RIKER
It was then we made our getaway.
WORF
The Romulans are probably hopping mad by now. We can expect a fight.
CAPTAIN PICARD
And yet the strange thing is they are just sitting there. Not even powering up their weapons.
ComMANDER RIKER
Very strange Captain. The Romulans are reputed to be ruthless and quick to anger.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh most ruthless indeed.
Sfx- door open/shut
(Turbolift doors open, Niles enters the bridge)
LT. NILES
Captain, I've been finding strange pamphlets all over the Enterprise-
CAPTAIN PICARD
We're quite busy here at the moment.
Mister Worf, you go with Lieutenant Niles and deal with the matter.
WORF
Aye Captain.
(Worf and Niles quickly move to lift and leave the bridge)
Sfx- door open/shut
ENTERPRISE HALLWAY
Sfx- Walking down hall
Worf and Niles walk in the corridor.
WORF
What's all this about mysterious pamphlets?
LT. NILES
I'm finding them everywhere. They seem to be suddenly arriving from out of thin air.
Look, there are some lying on the floor.
I'll grab a couple.
(Niles bends down and takes the papers.)
WORF
Let me see.
(Worf reads from papers.)
WORF
"Get rich quick! Energetic, disloyal individuals wanted. Work for the Romulan Empire and get reward points now!"
They're recruiting traitors!
We must confiscate all of these flyers.
LT. NILES
There are some more by the turbolift.
Hey what the-
(Lieutenant O'Reilly stands, pointing a phaser at Worf and Niles)
O'reilly
Hands up both of you.
WORF
Lieutenant O'Reilly. How dare you point a phaser at me!
O'REILLY
Shut up ya Klingon goon. I'm working for the Romulans now. When I beam over to their ship with you two as my prisoners, I'll be handsomely rewarded.
LT. NILES
How could you betray us to those militaristic wierdos?
O'REILLY
The Romulans offer much in return.
LT. NILES
Like what?
O'REILLY
They beamed over the brochure describing the prizes. Two prisoners will get me my own personal sports spacecraft. It's warp capable, and the captain's chair has two cupholders.
LT. NILES
Isn't that wonderful.
O'REILLY
You have your choice of color: candy apple red or champagne metallic.
LT. NILES
What did you choose?
O'REILLY
Candy apple red.
WORF
Stupid choice.
O'REILLY
Shut up!
LT. NILES
You can't trust the Romulans to give you any of that stuff.
O'REILLY
Sure I can. Better than boring Starfleet stuff.
Anyway I'm sick of Federation communism.
WORF
Communism?
O'REILLY
Yeah, all this free education and universal health care. Free? Universal? I mean, that's socialism.
LT. NILES
Oh Lord.
(Data walks into the area, behind O'Reilly)
(Niles speaks with exaggerated emotion)
Data! Thank goodness you've arrived to save us! Disarm the evil Lieutenant O'Reilly who holds us hostage at phaser point!
O'REILLY
You don't think I'm stupid enough to fall for a phoney ploy like that do ya. I'm not going to turn around and look over my shoulder.
(Mimics)
'Save us! Disarm the evil Lieutenant O'Reilly!'
Ha! Get real.
Data grabs O'Reilley's arm.
Owww! What the-
DATA
I shall not kill the Lieutenant, but I will disarm him.
(O'Reilly drops the phaser)
LT. NILES
Great work Data.
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
Sfx- door open/close
(Worf, Data, and Niles escort O'Reilley onto the bridge)
ComMANDER RIKER
What's going on here?
LT. NILES
Captain Picard, Commander Riker. We've captured a traitor.
CAPTAIN PICARD
No no, that's not possible. No one on the Enterprise would possibly turn traitor.
WORF
We caught Lieutenant O'Reilly red-handed.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Is this true Data?
DATA
It is true captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh, fiddlesticks.
ComMANDER RIKER
How dare you betray your ship! And your captain!
O'REILLY
Oh be quiet Urinator.
ComMANDER RIKER
See! See, I told you Captain. I get no respect being designated Number One. No respect.
CAPTAIN PICARD
A subject for another time I think.
ComMANDER RIKER
It makes me sound like I'm chief of taking a leak.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Language Number One. Mind your language.
Mister Worf, take the prisoner away to the brig.
WORF
Aye Captain.
(Worf takes O'Reilly by the arm and leads him off the bridge)
Sfx- door
CAPTAIN PICARD
I shall make a strong protest to the Romulans. Sending over propaganda leaflets and trying to recruit traitors aboard the Enterprise. Inappropriate behavior indeed.
Mister Data, open a communications channel.
DATA
Open sir.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Captain of Romulan vessel, I object most strongly to your illegal, and I must say dishonorable, interference in my ship's affairs.
(The captain of the Romulan ship appears on the main screen)
Romulan
We've done nothing to interfere.
CAPTAIN PICARD
We have confiscated your recruiting brochures.
ROMULAN
I don't know what you're talking about.
CaPTAIN stuart
We also caught a turncoat redhanded, doing your dirty work.
ROMULAN
Oh that.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Yes indeed "that". Shameful I must say.
Nevertheless I would rather settle the matter peacefully.
ROMULAN
I am captain of a Bird of Prey battlecruiser. I don't do peaceful.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Still I believe we could sit down together and negotiate. In fact I'm directing a rather captivating production of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Mister Romulan, I wonder if you would be interested in attending-
ROMULAN
Silence enemy!
CAPTAIN PICARD
You haven't seen my Hamlet have you? If I say so myself, it's most enlightening-
ROMULAN
Shut up you boring old fool!
CAPTAIN PICARD
Oh how rude. Did you hear that Number One?
ComMANDER RIKER
I did indeed. Uncalled for, Captain.
WORF
I suggest we leave the area immediately.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Romulan captain, now see hear my good man. There's no reason to be discourteous. I really think you-
ROMULAN
Federation ship! Prepare to be destroyed!
CAPTAIN PICARD
Data, return to Federation space. Maximum warp. Make it so.
(Pause. Nothing happens.)
Mr. Data, I have commanded 'make it so'. Wherefore art thou not making it so?
DATA
Engines not responding sir. Still contaminated.
CAPTAIN PICARD
(to intercom)
Captain to Engineering. Geordy I've got to have warp drive now!
WORF
Romulan Bird of Prey powering up weapons!
Sfx weapon hits
(Romulan weapon fire hits Enterprise)
WORF
Direct hits. Our shields are holding. But not for long.
DATA
Engines online captain!
CAPTAIN PICARD
Maximum warp! Engage!
Sfx- transitional music
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
CAPTAIN PICARD
Well my friends, we escaped horrible danger to live yet another day.
ComMANDER RIKER
Indeed Captain, due to your leadership of course.
CAPTAIN PICARD
And the treasonous fellow Lieutenant O'Reilly is safely locked away in the brig. But let us not dwell on that displeasing incident.
ComMANDER RIKER
My thoughts exactly sir.
CAPTAIN PICARD
We must now accomplish our original orders to patrol the Epsilon sector.
Data, resume our previous course.
DATA
Aye captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Away!
DATA
'Away', sir?
CAPTAIN PICARD
Yes, I thought I would try something new. 'Away' instead of 'Engage'.
DATA
I see.
ComMANDER RIKER
Brilliant idea if I may say so Captain.
CAPTAIN PICARD
To the Epsilon sector, Mr. Data.
Make it so.
DATA
Now that I understand.
Picard laughs with good nature.
All join in with good natured laughter.
(Theme Music)
J Theissen The Next Generation Moons Over Vulcan STNG 2 |
On Site
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